jeith | is that alright

is that alright

[It'd been on the back of his mind ever since they agreed that their next step was to return to Earth in order to replace the Castle of Lions, like a ghost silently following him around whenever there isn't something immediately life threatening to hold his attention. For so long he's insisted that there was nothing to go back home to, That by the end of it all he made everyone turn their backs on him and that this was all for the best. It's the only narrative that makes him stop looking at the past and look towards the present and future, and it had served him so well for as long as it lasted.

The return to Earth refuses to be simple though, and barely even before the dust of their destroyed planet had even settled, there'd only been one person in his mind: Griffin. Was he okay? Did he survive this? And then only few minutes later that Garrison car had shown up to pick them up from the ruins of Platt City and that achingly familiar voice had momentarily rendered Keith speechless.

That was just several hours ago, but somehow it feels like a lifetime has passed already between the endless reunions, briefings, status reports and navigating around an entire military's chain of command where it'd only been the paladins before. He doesn't know what to expect from Griffin anymore, but he knows without a doubt that he deserves every single cold look, and grimaces his way through the guy's criticism of his team, somehow knowing it's not even about Hunk, it's him. Griffin wants to yell at him and that's.......

Maybe that's egotistical. Maybe the guy's doing far less thinking about Keith than Keith is doing about him.... and maybe he hopes that's true for Griffin's sake. It's that thought that keeps him from seeking Griffin out on his own. As much as he wants to apologize, he knows not everyone gets to and that not everyone wants one.

Then again that might also just be cowardice in the guise of empathy; Keith doesn't know. But he does know that when Griffin and Veronica turn up unexpectedly at the hangar to help him and Hunk, he's inexplicably, selfishly relieved. They return to the Garrison base without Hunk's parents, but there's a greater sense of resolve in the air. Hunk's going to save his family, they're going to liberate Earth and--]

...James.

[He reaches out grabbing the other boy's arm, heart thudding in his chest.]

Can we talk?

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[For a moment, Keith just stares -- unable to keep the surprise off his expression and then a moment later, unable to keep the hurt off it either.

He's always had a quick temper, and the accusations are so quick to stoke it, but it's spread too far and with incredulity peppered in, the only thing that comes out of this firestorm is just self loathing. He'd always known that not everyone gets to say they're sorry and have that mean anything to the person they're apologizing to. He knew and yet....

Keith bites the inside of his lip.]

...anything else you want to throw at me.

[ It's satisfying to see Keith look hurt. In that moment, James really thinks that if this is the only way he can have any impact on Keith at all anymore, he might as well take full advantage of it. Get a bit of Keith back, claw out a hole for himself in a heart that has otherwise healed and forgotten him.

And yetJames opens his mouth and no words come out. There is so much he wants to say to Keith, as many words as can possibly fit into his body, and they're stumbling over each other and none of them come out readily now.

His hands form fists at his sides, but he doesn't raise them. He isn't that low, even if he's dreamed of it, some weak days. ]

What are you trying to get out of this, Keith?

[ Saying the name out loud feels strange and foreign. He hasn't done it in so long, and when he had, it'd been in such different tones. ]

What do you even need my absolution for? Nearly six years. You haven't freaking cared in nearly six whole years and now you're here like 'oh by the way, I'm sorry' and you expect me to believe that?

[There's so much he could say to that,so many bitter words of his own -- like you really think I could just send you a fucking text message when I was millions of light years away from Earth? You really think I had a damn clue Sam was hand delivering messages for people back home? You really fucking think I was having a good time out there?!

but for the life of him, none of it comes out because his throats gone tight and he knows that his voice is not going to come out right if he forces himself to speak. It's going to crack, it's going to make him sound like he might be on the verge of angry tears and that's not something he can stomach giving James right now.

Instead he tenses up, his own fingers curling into tight fists at his sides, clenching his teeth in utter stone cold silence until the moment fucking passes him over.]

No. [His voice is firm, filled with some gritty resolve.] I don't expect you to believe me at all, but I missed you. Sorry for wasting for your time.

[ I missed you. It really only takes three words to completely take the wind out of James' sails and the air out of his lungs. He stares at Keith wide-eyed, silent for a long moment. I missed you. He'd wanted to hear this so badly, for so long. He'd hated himself for it. After all, his performance was better than ever with Keith out of the way, his life was finally looking up, really, there was no reason to want him back--- and James had wanted, wanted so badly. It had taken a year for the want to subside and then another year later there had been Sam Holt coming home with messages from everyone but Keith and James had felt spite, such incredible spite, had tried to distract himself until war did the distracting for him.

I missed you. It rings in his ears, loud and shrill, deafening any reasonable thought. The bitter part of James says 'Keith is lying' but the rest of James knows that Keith is anything but a liar. Instead he's honest, too honest, honest in all the ways that hurt - or silent, distant, hurting even more somehow.

James bites the inside of his mouth, hard, trying to call himself back into reality. And Keith is still in front of him, part of reality again, somehow, and he doesn't vanish and he doesn't disappear. ]

... you--

[ His first attempt at a response breaks off weakly. The second is more steady. ]

I hate this. Why do you always make it impossible to forget about you? Every time, every single time, you always crash right back in.

[Silence fills the hangar, oppressive and heavy on his shoulders, filling Keith with melancholy from the inside out. He wants to turn and leave, go be alone so he can compress this into irrelevance to make himself functional by tomorrow, but he knows now that there's no way he can possibly be the one to leave first.

For once, that's not out of some stubborn defiance. It's coming from a different place entirely -- some vulnerable place he doesn't like to leave exposed for James to look at. He focuses on keeping his breathing even as he stares at the floor by the other boy's feet.

Finally, when James does speak... Keith doesn't know how he's supposed to answer that. It hurts in a way to hear that he can't express, in a way that reminds him so much of all that they used to be years ago, back when he was grieving without allowing himself to grieve, and hurting James because they were starting to get too close and Keith didn't want to burn himself on the sun.]

If that's your way of asking me to stay away from you, I can't do that until after this fight is over.

Yeah, because you being away worked out so great for the last few years.

[ Words come out to fast and they undermine the whole of what he was trying to prove with this nightly mission, his well-planned facade of indifference and being over it. James is not over it. And he hasn't talked to anyone about this ever (how could he, how do you begin to explain all these secrets behind closed doors and dark corners?), so now that he gets a chance to speak, it's impossible to keep the truth in. ]

[For a moment, Keith stares in turn. James was always so focused and had his life so perfectly handcrafted for success and greatness that there was never a doubt in his mind that the other was going to be fine without him. No, not just fine -- better. Even if their relationship had changed, even if James had stopped reminding him at every turn that he didn't belong, that he had no merit of his own... they both knew Keith was only ever holding the career boy back.\

And in a way, when he saw James calling the shots and leading a team of his own, wasn't that all the proof Keith needed to confirm that removing all the turbulence from the other's life had been for the better?

Funny how nothing really went the way he thought it would.]

....I'm sorry.

[He's said that already. Several times by now, but it's the only thing he can think to say in response.]

[ This time, James can't help letting the words in, believing them just a little. Do they make him feel better? He can't say. For as much as he ragged on Keith and what he wants from him, James doesn't know what he wants from Keith either. The past years can't be undone. There is just so much of his life intertwined with Keith and it's impossible to untangle now. He doesn't want the other away from him nor does he want him close. He wants to simply not feel anything at all. ]

..... you've really changed.

Edited 2019-01-26 20:39 (UTC)

Kinda had to.

[Because suddenly getting his shit together somehow became integral to the continued existence of the rest of the universe. Because suddenly the world got a whole lot bigger than him and his old scars. A beat.]

The way I used to be... I was only ever hurting myself. Hurting the people around me. [Hurting you.] ... I'm not proud of it. I had a lot of growing up to do, even though back then I really did think I'd grown up a lot already. [That he'd seen so much more of the world in all of its ugliness and indifference in ways that other kids simply hadn't woken up to yet. He sighs, but looks up and half smiles.]

Turns out I didn't know a whole lot about anything.

That went for all of us.

[ Whether out in space or here on Earth, this is the one thing that James is sure was a similar experience for all of them . War makes people small, even those who hold the responsibility and who have all the others looking up to them. ]

It's just weird that we were so far apart during it, after all this time we were stuck with each other no matter what we wanted. It never stopped feeling off.

....yeah. I wasn't exactly expecting to end up on the other side of a wormhole millions of light-years away from Earth.

[You can thank Lance for that one. Though even back then when Blue had taken off into orbit and they'd seen their first Galra cruiser just beyond Earth's atmosphere searching for Shiro.... it still hadn't properly settled in that he'd be leaving James behind for a few more years. It wasn't really until after Allura had announced they were now all going to be battling the Galra and taking down a massive 10,000 year old alien empire that it sunk in that he wasn't going to be heading back to Earth any time soon.]

I just.. want you to know that I wasn't trying to hurt you with what I did. I know it didn't pan out that way, but.... after Iverson gave me the boot, I just fell apart. Guess I thought you were better off without me anyway.

[ 'I was', James thinks, but he isn't angry enough to say it anymore.

Being with Keith had been eating at his insides. It made him lose focus and dulled his wits in Garrison training. Keith had been a full time job, even on the days when he would push James away and only run away. He'd consumed James' thoughts, even worse than when they were simply rivals. And once Keith was gone, he'd been able to return more to his old focused self. Superiors and classmates had remarked on it.

Doubtlessly, James had always been better off without Keith. Ever since he transferred into his middle school class, Keith had only caused trouble for James. And yet, looking at him now, he still feels longing. How stupid... How utterly unseemly of him. ]

So... you wouldn't have come back for me either way, huh?

...James.

[The words shouldn't surprise him, and yet it does. This whole conversation has been like navigating a minefield where a single misspoken word leads to a fresh new set of bruises... and in the weirdest way, Keith's beginning to understand that this is the effect he must've had on James when they were together.

He deserves this from Griffin. He knows that better than anyone, but he doesn't really know how much of it he can take either. He lowers his eyes, his voice soft.]

I've wanted to apologize to you personally for... for a while now. I was always going to tell you at least that much. Beyond that... I didn't think you wanted anything further to do with me.

[ It's laughable how much Keith is describing the person James has wished he could be this whole time. The cool career-minded boy who understands what is best for him and moves on. After his family and direct superiors, Keith has always been the person James wanted to be acknowledged by. And now... Now Keith is overestimating him and it just hurts. ]

I was waiting. I... I wouldn't have done those things with you if I was in a place to mind the pain.

[ Because it had hurt, it hurts badly, but James was used to being hurt by Keith. Keith's existence has been needles in his skin for so long before Shiro disappeared. So when the chance to be closer suddenly presented itself, James threw himself into it headfirst. He wanted Keith to be his, he wanted Keith to stop hurting himself, he wanted every stolen moment together so badly it had nearly ripped him apart. Being with Keith was less torture than being away from him. When they were asleep, breathing softly next to each other, it was even blissful. Quiet worthwhile moments that would haunt him for years to come. ]

So of course I was waiting.

[Listening to James and hearing out how fucking wrong his assumptions about what the guy was doing with his newfound freedom from the tumultuousness of their everything is so much worse than Keith thought it would be... and he doesn't know why. Why should it hurt more knowing that James had waited for messages that weren't coming than having it confirmed that James had been completely fine and had found someone to replace him with?

All those memories of lonely nights in the days that had followed his expulsion from the Garrison, all those times he'd pathetically thought about just asking James to take him back, to come save him from himself, all the while hating himself for being a disappointing failure that was just dragging James down just ache worse knowing James had also been miserable.]

...you were waiting that whole time?

[The question doesn't sound incredulous -- if anything, it's a wish to have the question answered in the negative.]

[ James doesn't know what he wants to answer. He should be saying something like "Of course not, how important do you think you are?!" and he should mean it. Keith doesn't deserve his loyalty and he doesn't deserve the strange guilt that James can taste at the tip of his tongue when he thinks of the other people he's seen in the years since Keith's departure.

Keith is always messing with his head. They've been alone together for only 10 minutes and James feels his head spinning as if he was 17 again, desperately holding on to a person who was rapidly fading.

He wants to reach out now as well - he wants to hold Keith, hit Keith, dig his fingernails into his skin until Keith has to pry him off. At the same time, he wants to cut out all of these desires, he wants to walk out and go to his room and shut out the world. Move away from Keith, break the magnetic pull that is prying at all of his emotions and making him lay himself bare for someone who's hurt him more than anyone else. In the end, James settles for pacing through the hangar a little - anything to not have Keith within arm's reach anymore. ]

It's not that simple. The first few months, I was waiting. Or mourning. Some days I thought you were dead, you know? Then when Shiro showed up and disappeared alongside you, I decided to assume you just don't care at all and that made it easier. So I focused on my career, saw other people... [ he can't look at Keith when he says that and he hates himself for it ] ... and then there was Sam Holt, telling me you're a war hero among the stars.

[ He laughs shortly and bitterly at that. ]

And finally there was a war and the only thing that could possibly save all of us was you and all these classmates neither of us ever even talked to.

[ He doesn't say how that impacted him, neither wants nor thinks he really needs to. ]

Maybe you should have gone to them from the start, huh?

Edited 2019-01-27 17:05 (UTC)

[There's a lot to take in here. The mention of "others" is... hurtful but in a predictable sort of way. That was always part of his mental narrative of James' life after he left. Keith knew the guy would always be able to replace him -- someone better, someone less troublesome, someone who actually belonged in that pristine, rigidt world that James fit into so seamlessly. He bites the inside of his lip, looking straight ahead rather than trying to follow the other boy's movements as he paces.

It's totally irrational to have any kind of feeling about this, four years after the end of whatever they had. Whatever he feels about it now is ignorable. He's relieved to hear that James moved on -- really, really he is.

The indirect accusation about Sam makes him grimace, but it's not until the cheap shot he throws in about the other paladins that Keith finally loses some of the numbness that's blanketing his mind. He whirls around to look at James, tone sharp.]

Can you just stop? I get it. I get it, ok? You regret ever knowing me. You resent me for everything I did to you. It doesn't matter that I'm sorry, it doesn't matter that I regretted just leaving you like that.

[His heart is pounding in his ears as the words leave his mouth. This is the wrong way to go about this, and it takes him a few moments before he can bring himself to stop and try again.]

I was an idiot. You have every right to be mad at me, but.... [And then he trails off because he can't fucking say this anymore. He can't tell the person who so obviously regrets everything about their relationship that it meant so much to him. Still means so much to him.] Whatever. Sorry. Keep letting off steam, I guess. I won't interrupt.

[ It's better. It is honestly better when Keith is snapping at him, when he can feel just a bit like they're at each other's throat again trying to get hurt feelings through the other's thick skull and failing miserable. The Keith who lashes out, that's the Keith James knows. His pulse rushes as Keith lectures him and he wants to move over, grab hold of his shoulders, scream at each other until there's nothing left to scream and then...

... then Keith quiets down and James is 23 again instead of 17. He's an adult again, who knows that useless fighting isn't how you solve problems. An adult who understands that it's sheer madness to miss something this fragile and painful. He stops pacing and looks Keith in the eyes again. ]

I'm not-- [ Okay, no, he is definitely letting off steam. New start. ]

I am just telling you what happened. There's years you don't know about, Keith. You're not the only one who is a different person now. If you want to... I don't even know what you want from me, but if you want any of it, then I need you to hear this. I can't hide this when you're right here.

[There's a moment where they lock eyes and Keith is still glaring. Hurt. Words come out of his mouth in an artifically even tone.]

Cut out the cheap shots about the paladins, would you. They weren't there. You were. You --

[You mattered.

There are so many things he could say in addition to that, but he doesn't trust himself to say a word of it without getting overly emotional and right now being vulnerable around James just sounds like the worst idea.]

Go on. I'm listening.

Edited 2019-01-28 01:26 (UTC)

[ They were there, James wants to say, just a few rooms over, just a few steps away. These people who made Keith open up, his team, it wouldn't have taken anything more than a wrong turn in the hall to make him meet them and maybe they would have made Keith stay. It's pointless to think about this now. He knows, he knows, and he can't stop being jealous anyway.

He sighs. Keith is right to call it cheap shots. He's right about most things tonight. When did Keith become the mature one? When did James start being the one acting like a wounded animal backed into a corner? It's pathetic and he knows it. ]

Maybe back then I was the only one who was there, but what does that make me other than a coincidence? Seeing you with everyone else drove that point home perfectly clear. And if it isn't that, then tell me what it is. You keep saying you regret it, but I don't see a single reason why you would.

Edited 2019-01-28 01:46 (UTC)

[Coincidence. Of course James had to use that exact word. Of course he fucking did. The glaring ceases entirely, and for a moment Keith's just taken aback, dragged all the way back to the other side of the universe where he'd screamed at the paladins for this same stupid thing..

Nothing but coincidence brought them together. Deluding themselves into believing they were heroes when all they were in that moment were just some dumb kids dying in their space suits. His heart aches for just a moment, between the memory of their faces and seeing the hurt in James' face and then... he hangs his head. He can't do this. He can't do this anymore.]

James. [His voice has lost all of the forcefulness from just seconds ago.] I don't know, okay? It just doesn't matter to me if it was a coincidence or not because... [He breathes out, tired.] ... you meant the world to me and I was always so afraid that one day you'd wake up and realize I wasn't good for you at all.

[ James stares at Keith and lets himself fall backwards against the wheel of the Garrison truck. He slides down all the way until he's sitting gracelessly on the floor - legs are overrated, standing is overrated, this is all too much to take while also trying to keep up with regular human functions like balance.

For a moment, he can't say anything at all. He buries his face in his hands, but neither laughter or tears come. He's just exhausted, nothing else. ]

Keith...

[ He's getting to say this name so much today and it is starting to feel natural again, no longer a distant sound his mouth forgot how to make. ]

There wasn't going to be any waking up, I knew you were the worst choice to make all along - I just made it anyway, consequences be damned. I knew that, the whole time. And I never even thought about changing my mind.

[This is utterly ridiculous. A lot has changed in the last couple of years. Keith's been in more battles than he cares to remember, fought to save the universe, is the leader of Voltron and none of that really seems to matter to his brain when he talks to James. The guy just has this way of cutting straight to the soul of his past insecurities like everything else is just the facade and the real Keith is still that kid who had no idea what his place in the world was or why he even existed.

He stares, watching silently as James sinks to the floor and then he closes his eyes. He doesn't know how much time has passed orif James is even still there when he starts talking again.]

So... I was right. You did just pity me.

[And for the love of god, how is that hurtful even after all this time....]

What?

[ The question is immediate, James is clearly caught off guard by the accusation. He stares at Keith with incredulity, and now his mouth works faster than his brain.]

I was in love with you, idiot. Pity? I meant every single thing I ever told you about how you were the only one. What the... Pity? You still think that?

[ He can't quite blame him, not really. Back then he'd wondered the same thing. It had taken weeks of absence for James to realize pity doesn't leave scars.]

[The rest of the world stops mattering entirely the instant those words register in Keith's mind. I was in love with you, idiot. They're in one of the Garrison's hangars, staring at each other in one of the last places on Earth that haven't been destroyed on the verge of an uncertain apocalyptic future and all somehow all of that reduces into irrelevant white noise.

I was in love with you, idiot.

No. No, that has to be a fucking joke. But then James isn't laughing and Keith feels like he's back on the Quantum Abyss, forced to watch his past play out without a single one of his biases to color his memories of those incidents. Visions of those moments where he thought he'd die trying to keep his temper under control everytime Iverson gave him shit because he knew the effort would make James smile. Memories of clinging so desperately to the boy as they kissed, just trying in some way to make it feel like the boy was going to stay. Anxious nights when he'd reach overto touch a sleeping boy's hair and fall asleep to the sound of his breathing. All that time. That whole time when he'd been nearly constantly miserable about caring about someone who was inevitably going to leave.....]

You were in love with me...

[He says it disbelievingly, but his voice is so soft, it's only barely louder than a whisper and repeated largely because he needs to hear that phrase a second time. A moment later, he breathes out slowly, deeply tryimg to calm down the part of him that's on fire and screaming.]

I.... what else was I supposed to think? I kept asking myself why someone like you would ever care about someone as messed up as me and that was the only answer I could come up with. I hated that I wanted you anyway.

Edited 2019-01-28 05:53 (UTC)

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