jeith | is that alright

is that alright

[It'd been on the back of his mind ever since they agreed that their next step was to return to Earth in order to replace the Castle of Lions, like a ghost silently following him around whenever there isn't something immediately life threatening to hold his attention. For so long he's insisted that there was nothing to go back home to, That by the end of it all he made everyone turn their backs on him and that this was all for the best. It's the only narrative that makes him stop looking at the past and look towards the present and future, and it had served him so well for as long as it lasted.

The return to Earth refuses to be simple though, and barely even before the dust of their destroyed planet had even settled, there'd only been one person in his mind: Griffin. Was he okay? Did he survive this? And then only few minutes later that Garrison car had shown up to pick them up from the ruins of Platt City and that achingly familiar voice had momentarily rendered Keith speechless.

That was just several hours ago, but somehow it feels like a lifetime has passed already between the endless reunions, briefings, status reports and navigating around an entire military's chain of command where it'd only been the paladins before. He doesn't know what to expect from Griffin anymore, but he knows without a doubt that he deserves every single cold look, and grimaces his way through the guy's criticism of his team, somehow knowing it's not even about Hunk, it's him. Griffin wants to yell at him and that's.......

Maybe that's egotistical. Maybe the guy's doing far less thinking about Keith than Keith is doing about him.... and maybe he hopes that's true for Griffin's sake. It's that thought that keeps him from seeking Griffin out on his own. As much as he wants to apologize, he knows not everyone gets to and that not everyone wants one.

Then again that might also just be cowardice in the guise of empathy; Keith doesn't know. But he does know that when Griffin and Veronica turn up unexpectedly at the hangar to help him and Hunk, he's inexplicably, selfishly relieved. They return to the Garrison base without Hunk's parents, but there's a greater sense of resolve in the air. Hunk's going to save his family, they're going to liberate Earth and--]

...James.

[He reaches out grabbing the other boy's arm, heart thudding in his chest.]

Can we talk?

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[Keith catches himself staring as James removes more of his gear, then catches himself and looks down. The cadet uniform he's currently crushing is a searing orange color, and easily holds his attention. He probably shouldn't be lying on top of this thing. Not that he cares much if it's wrinkled or whatever the case may be, but he doesn't want anyone nagging at him for it either. Gathering the uniform in his hands, he makes an attempt to throw them over the back of his chair, though he's no Mary Poppins and the clothes land in ways that are going to leave creases. He debates getting up to actually fix that for a second, but catches James staring at him first.]

What?

[ For a second, James looks caught by the question, but then he smoothens his expression. They've been on-off kissing for what feels like half an hour, does he really need to be shy? Around Keith? So he simply says: ]

You're attractive and I've got years of looking to catch up on.

[ He shrugs casually, though then another thought hits him. ]

You used to not notice me staring, way back in the day. Before the Garrison.

...blunt.

[He doesn't know how else to respond to that. People don't usually approach him with opinions like this and how easy or not easy he is on the eyes isn't something he considers. The comment does, however, make him realize that... yeah, okay, under armor is perhaps incredibly revealing and that he should have changed into one of his other options. He gets to his feet, deciding to fix the uniform situation after all, if only to move and shake himself out of the thought.]

You're doing an awful lot of kissing for someone who's only trying to catch up on looking though.

[A slight tease, eyes averted as he straightens out the jacket and pants. Then a pause and a glance over his shoulder.]

What were you staring at me for back then?

[ 'I never said only' James thinks, but out loud he just gives an amused huff. There is so much to catch up on that in truth, he doesn't know where to start. If he wants Keith back, then there are many years to bridge. They used to share all of their memories in at least the rough forms - same school, same class, always. Surrounded by the same people in the same drum of daily life. Now there is time that separates them and its content can't even be inferred. James can't imagine what happened to Keith in space and likewise, Keith has no idea what Earth was really like during its destruction. The gap here is daunting. ]

Probably the same reasons as now, just that I didn't get it yet.

[ Reasons are very consciously put into plural - Keith being attractive is one of them, but there are many others seated more deeply, an uncomfortable weight in his mind. Liking Keith has never been easy. ]

[With that uniform hanging more neatly off the back of the chair, Keith turns back to lie back down on the bed. He doesn't look at James at any point as he moves, flopping back to stare up at the ceiling with the pillow under his head.]

I didn't notice a whole lot back then. I was pretty ... stuck in my own head. You know from having to move to a different place. Everyone was just... I don't know either annoying or a placeholder. [A beat.] Or an annoying placeholder, I guess.

[Lips pursed in thought for a moment, he continues:]

You actually called me by name though... which I appreciated. I didn't know you thought I was attractive back then. I thought I was just the weird emo kid.

I thought a lot of things about you. Which is probably what made it impossible to call you anything but your name. It was in my head way too much to begin with.

[ James shakes his head gently at his past self, as if his present self were any better. With Keith laying down, he opts to lay down next to him, rather than in any more compromising position. Head propped up on his elbow, his eyes never really leave Keith though. ]

Though I did make a point to immediately learn it right when you came in. Seemed like the proper thing to do. Except you turned out to be anything but proper and it drove me up the wall. You didn't even pay attention to me and I think I was kind of offended. I was a good kid! Everyone liked me! But you didn't and I wanted you to. Yet I couldn't be friendly to you because you weren't acting properly and... it was a mess way before we got into the Garrison. A benign, childish mess.

Edited 2019-01-31 00:08 (UTC)

[His eyes stay trained on the ceiling, though as the elaboration continues Keith turns his face slightly to look over at James. It's strange going all the way back to middle school days, and fleetingly he wonders if that building's still standing, still managing to be that little slice of hell that he remembers it being. Of course, his perception of what was hellish has gone through some pretty significant redefinitions of late.

That aside though, the explanation turns out to be the most perfectly James like thing he's heard in so long that it makes him smile -- something warm and soft. He reaches across to brush his hand.]

You're ... you make everything so complicated, you know that, James?

[ Keith might be intending for brushing but James immediately captures the hand to interlace their fingers. The gesture is almost too romantic to feel appropriate, but James has tossed out appropriate the moment he entered this room.]

I was just trying hard to get it right and also I was 13, which was a sincere detractor on the sanity end.

[...]

.... judging by tonight 23 might not be much better, so nevermind that. Things involving you just stop having clear rules.

Edited 2019-01-31 00:43 (UTC)

[There's a slight pause at hearing 23; it's never not going to be weird to think about tthe fact that they're not even the same age anymore. But after a missed beat, Keith closes his own fingers around James' hand.]

Do you want there to be clear rules?

[It's an earnest question asked in a fairly even tone, despite being genuinely curious about it. He still doesn't know what it is James really wants from him. If this is is just -- something he's doing because they're both mourning they lost and trying to feel less lonely about it or something else.

Either way, that one's up to James. Keith's well aware he is not in a position to ask anything from him.]

Edited 2019-01-31 00:55 (UTC)

[ That is, by all accounts, an excellent question. James can't answer it without some hesitation, so he let's his thumb brush over Keith's hand as he thinks.
Being without rules, turning everything upside down... as much as those things drive James crazy, they've always been a driving factor in his fascination with Keith. Keith is everything he isn't and James is pulled to him near magnetically. In the end, that's what got them both hurt. No rules, no talk, only wild attraction and polar moods.

What of now? What does he want now? It's hard to say for sure because all the things he truly desires would involve rewriting the past. ]

If we're going to keep doing this, you mean? Then I want rules, yeah. I want to know what you're thinking, all of it. No more running.

[Keith gives that hand a squeeze; his reply is firm and immediate.]

No more running.

[That much he'd already wanted to prove to James regardless of the nature of their relationship. Keith has decidedly moved on from being that kid with abandonment issues that needled its way into self sabotage. He's better equipped emotionally, mentally. There's a beat of silence though, and then he shifts slightly to turn his whole body towards James.]

To be honest, I'm not even sure what you mean when you say "this." I don't know what this is to you, right now. [Brow furrowed slightly, he looks down at their hands.] Guess the hopeful part of me wants it to mean that you want to trust me again, but...

[Trailing off, he brushes James' cheek with his free hand and glances back up to look him in the eyes.]

That's how it is for me anyway. I'm with you now because it's you, you know? I want to know you again. Properly this time.

[And again, others come back to mind, and a sigh builds in his lungs. Keith swallows it down.]

I don't know if that's stupid to you. Maybe I'm a little jealous, too.

[ Though he'd asked for honestly up-front, what he gets is still far more than James was actually expecting to get out of this. He stares at Keith with surprise in his eyes, but his expression softens the longer he speaks. Not in his wildest dreams had he expected to get to this point again - and he hadn't wanted it either. He'd thought that this would be a chance Keith doesn't deserve. He'd thought that if Keith ever came crawling back, he'd crush him like Keith did to him all those years ago.

James doesn't feel like crushing anyone now.

I'm with you now because it's you, you know?

Instead he's feeling unnecessarily fluttery in his stomach. ]

... can't lie, I'm a little happy about that.

[ The jealousy is easiest to address first, but he does so in a weak voice that betrays how much the rest of Keith's words has affected him. His smile thin but genuine. ]

And... it's kind of stupid. I should be storming off for you even suggesting it. But I should also have stormed off in the hangar and not come back to your room to tenderly hold hands on your bed, so that's... all happening.

[ He clears his throat a little, looking unsure for a moment. ]

I want you back, Keith. I don't know if I can trust you, I don't know how hard it could be, but I do want you back. If I have to choose between being miserable with or without you, I'd choose the former anyway.

[Keith doesn't know how to respond to any of this at first. When he said he was being hopeful, that had been an understatement -- it'd been the part of him that was selfishly yearning for things he knew he wasn't entitled to, things that are well out of his reach, things he can't possibly want anymore.

But somehow the words I want you back are there and Keith is overwhelmed by how much he doesn't deserve this. Like the time Shiro had bailed him out of the juvenile detention center after stealing his car. Like all the countless times James had tried to be a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold onto.

A slew of different feelings collide with one another and all Keith can do is stare right back until finally there's a shy smile on his lips.]

...why do both of those options have to feature you being miserable one way or the other?

[Reaching across, he drapes his arm around James' shoulder, resting his forehead against his chest.]

I just want you to be happy.

[ James laughs at that, softly. It's neither amused nor is it bitter. It's the kind of helpless laughter caused by situational irony. ]

Precedent taught me not to be optimistic.

[ It's a mean thing to say, he realizes only after it's already left his mouth. Most of what was miserable about their first attempt at a relationship was caused by both of them failing to communicate, they know now. The issues James had been having were largely in his head only. Apologetically, he wraps his arm around Keith. ]

I just... I can't forget the last six years. I hated you so much and I still had nightmares about you dead in space. Feels like if I let go of you now, you'll just be gone again.

[Keith tenses up a little at that. Sure, he walked right into the barbed comment, but he doesn't have much of a response for it other than it'll be different this time -- except that it sounds a lot like something his younger self would've called an empty promise. He sighs.]

I can't say that there weren't a lot of close calls. [The Galra, a weblum and everything about the Quantum Abyss gave it their best.] Turns out, I'm pretty hard to kill.

[Then craning his neck back a little, he presses a kiss to the underside of James' jaw, murmuring:]

But I'm here now and I'm not leaving you.

Mhm...

[ It's as affirmative as James can manage to be when Keith still feels like a particularly solid mirage. Being hard to get a hold of seems like it's a part of Keith's nature and James can't quite imagine yet what a more stable Keith could be like. Keith is someone who he'll always have to chase, one way or another, he'd been so sure of it. ]

Prove it. You're good at proving points.

[ And so is James. Maybe if they'd dared each other to fall in love instead of only quietly building up their own feelings, maybe then somehow they'd have turned out better. ]

Uh...right now?

[That's getting a blink. Just.. how is supposed to do this, James.]

Well you're kinda in my room. It'd be weird if I left.

[ This gets another chuckle from James, despite the fact that he's the one who phrased himself badly to start with. ]

No, no, just... generally. Over time.

[ Then after a pause and with a grin: ] To be fair, I absolutely would not mind you trying to show your sincere intentions of making me happy now either.

[...Ah. That's a dangerous look on James' face and a dangerous invitation. It's also slightly jarring to hear right off the back of something that'd otherwise been cloying at his sense of guilt. Keith can't decide if the mood whiplash is annoying or preferable to continuing that previous line of conversation.

Well. At least if what James is saying is annoying again, there's an easy way to stop it that just so happens to coincide with what he's getting at.

After a moment, Keith lets go of his hand and gives James a hard shove, pushing him onto his back and climbs on top of him. Pinning the boy's shoulders against the mattress, he leans close enough to almost brush their lips together again, but not quite.]

That a challenge?

[ ...oh.

James winds up staring up at Keith mesmerized for a moment. Though this had indeed been what he was hoping for, it happened so swiftly and with such determination that he can't help but feel... something. Something that is definitely moving his blood circulation and potentially bringing some color to his face - he hates that effect, but ah well. It can't be helped. ]

... maybe so. You wouldn't back down, would you?

[ With Keith's head so close, James can't resist reaching up to run his hand through his hair again. ]

[With the protective gear gone, Keith's fingers dig into James' shoulders, feeling out his frame. James is taller now, a little more toned than he was at 17, and they both have a bit of re-familiarizing to do on a physical level.

The flush is satisfying to see, but it's not enough to chase out the idle question of just how many people got to see this particular view that used to only be his. Whether James put up a front of still being in control for them or if he simply melted pliantly into the touch....

It well and truly doesn't matter if that's all in the past and James wants him back, but the thought still leaves a faintly acrid aftertaste in Keith's mouth. He draws back, putting a pinch of distance between them.]

I dunno, James. You're blushing already. You really think you can handle it?

Edited (randomly caught a typo and had to fix it sry) 2019-02-01 17:22 (UTC)

[ ... of course Keith would call this out immediately. Naturally he wouldn't be able to mask any of his nervous excitement for even a second. Hiding things from Keith seems pretty impossible, unless the thing being hidden is your passionate love for him. What a guy. ]

I'll have you know, I've become pretty tough in the past few years. I'll handle you just fine.

[There's enough ambiguity in there what with the occupation being what it is that Keith doesn't immediately retort with yeah, you got some practice in, I get it already., but the reply doesn't leave him wanting to be gentle with James either.]

You say that. But you're still as rotten as ever.

[And with that, he closes the distance to bite at his neck.]

Edited 2019-02-01 21:23 (UTC)

[ This prompts a sharp intake of breath from James who wasn't actually prepared for biting just yet, but definitely doesn't mind. ]

Mmhmm...

[ As fun as the pillow princess act was, as much as he loved teasing Keith into action, just laying back won't cut it anymore now. His arms go up to wrap themselves around Keith's back tightly, one hand brushing over the back of his neck. ]

Guess you have pretty bad taste then...

[There's no immediate reply to that. Keith keeps his attention focused on James' neck, alternating between gently sucking at his warm skin and quick bites. Maybe part of it's just to get James to shut up, but one way or another he doesn't stop until there's a new purple bruise on the boy's neck. Only them Keith breathes out and leaves a kiss right at a pulse point.]

Nah, You're the exception.

[Then shifting upwards, he presses their foreheads together.]

But you're also mine, so what can I do.

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