jeith | is that alright

is that alright

[It'd been on the back of his mind ever since they agreed that their next step was to return to Earth in order to replace the Castle of Lions, like a ghost silently following him around whenever there isn't something immediately life threatening to hold his attention. For so long he's insisted that there was nothing to go back home to, That by the end of it all he made everyone turn their backs on him and that this was all for the best. It's the only narrative that makes him stop looking at the past and look towards the present and future, and it had served him so well for as long as it lasted.

The return to Earth refuses to be simple though, and barely even before the dust of their destroyed planet had even settled, there'd only been one person in his mind: Griffin. Was he okay? Did he survive this? And then only few minutes later that Garrison car had shown up to pick them up from the ruins of Platt City and that achingly familiar voice had momentarily rendered Keith speechless.

That was just several hours ago, but somehow it feels like a lifetime has passed already between the endless reunions, briefings, status reports and navigating around an entire military's chain of command where it'd only been the paladins before. He doesn't know what to expect from Griffin anymore, but he knows without a doubt that he deserves every single cold look, and grimaces his way through the guy's criticism of his team, somehow knowing it's not even about Hunk, it's him. Griffin wants to yell at him and that's.......

Maybe that's egotistical. Maybe the guy's doing far less thinking about Keith than Keith is doing about him.... and maybe he hopes that's true for Griffin's sake. It's that thought that keeps him from seeking Griffin out on his own. As much as he wants to apologize, he knows not everyone gets to and that not everyone wants one.

Then again that might also just be cowardice in the guise of empathy; Keith doesn't know. But he does know that when Griffin and Veronica turn up unexpectedly at the hangar to help him and Hunk, he's inexplicably, selfishly relieved. They return to the Garrison base without Hunk's parents, but there's a greater sense of resolve in the air. Hunk's going to save his family, they're going to liberate Earth and--]

...James.

[He reaches out grabbing the other boy's arm, heart thudding in his chest.]

Can we talk?

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[They break apart and the comment makes Keith smile a little. It's going to be a while before words like those come anywhere near close to feeling like light hearted teasing.,, and to a degree, he knows it's not really meant to be. It leaves him unsure how to respond entirely, except to lightly trace the outline of James' jaw with his thumb.]

You really know how to tug at the heartstrings. You want me to kiss you or not.

[ Keith makes an argument for more politeness that is almost compelling. Maybe. ]

Hmm... Mostly I want you to want to kiss me, you know? But fair point.

[ While he speaks he let's his hands travel over Keith's back.]

You really changed a lot...

[The movement of hands on his back leaves his skin tingling beneath the under armor. Keith leans forward, stopping just when their noses brush.]

I dunno. I'd have to be a pretty stupid jackass to want to kiss someone who's calling me a stupid jackass.

[A point made and then immediately undermined by ducking his head to gently nip at James' lower lip.]

Changed in a bad way?

[ James sighs softly at the sneak attack. He hasn't touched anyone intimately since the war began either and now he's surprised by how hard his heart can beat. Though maybe that's not about kissing and more just about Keith. Keith, Keith, Keith. James still feels like he hates him but at the same time he hates the thought of letting go of him again so much more. Maybe James should really do something about overinvestment issues. Or maybe he should just hold on tightly to the lover he thought lost. ]

Physically? No way. Jury is out on your personality so sell me on it.

...heh.

[There's just a small smirk at both the sigh and the flattering commentary, even if it winds up getting backhanded.]

Still not real good at that "winning people over" thing. That was always you.

[Always the perfect. well spoken kid who made people believe he was going places. Keith takes his eyes off of James' mouth briefly establishing eye contact, expression softer before stealing another kiss.]

[ James leans into that kiss and furthers it. Seems like flattery will get you everywhere with me tonight he muses to himself. After all Keith wants to be with him. Still. Every new confirmation is soothing him a bit more. They both suffered from this. Keith suffered. Keith missed him. Mutuality feels amazing on his lips.]

... was it now? Considering where you've already got me again, your winning skills might still be insufferable actually.

[ And he should stop letting himself be won. Now. But hell, there's a war out there and he hasn't felt good in ages, so how much worse can it get by exchanging a few kisses with the person who hurt him most?]

You know you started it. right?

[That's not exact;y a complaint; just a reminder of who started kissing who. But he can't deny that he was in no way expecting James to still want him after all this. Again, far from a complaint, but his most optimistic projection of how trying to apologize would go, it stopped at simply being amiable again. Not this. Not back to whatever the hell this all is.

But now that it's here, Keith can't help wanting to get reacquainted in every way possible. There's no way to go back and undo every mistake from the past and though this isn't quite a correction, it's as close to being with James in the way he wanted to be all those years ago as he can manage. Maybe that's fucked up. But he also doesn't care.

Hand reaching fot the material around James' collar, he pulls him in again for another deeper kiss, heart skipping beats as tongue meets tongue. He can't help sighing just a little at the familiarity of it all.]

[ James follows Keith's lead without complaint, opening his mouth and pressing their bodies against each other with new intensity. It's different now than it was when they started out as teenagers. Back then they had been inexperienced, hesitantly stumbling over the movements but still no less eager for them. Now James has no qualms whatsoever about kissing and he has no reason to hold back with Keith. His grip on the other is possessive and tight, one hand finding its way into Keith's hair,and his kissing is likewise without restraint. Though the past years can never be caught up on, James can claim at least a little of what he missed out on. A piece of Keith that he wishes were his alone, but that's not something James can bring himself to even hope for. But whatever others there may have been, he can try and overwrite them.]

[And as much as he may have initiated deeper kisses, it still takes Keith a few moments to figure out how to do any of this again. Tentative make out sessions that got a little sloppy, a little messy eventually became smoother, easier to delve into, but that was still four years ago. The most he's done with his mouth since that time is use it to bark orders at the paladins and get a pacifier stuck in it courtesy of some ridiculous space asshole, as you do.

But that's not James. James doesn't hesitate right from the get go, kissing with such intensity that it makes Keith's breath hitch. His heart's already starting to race, and as he starts kissing back more determinedly, he wonders if James can tell.

But as lost as he gets in just how incredibly connected they are and in all the places they touch, it's impossible not to feel some bitterness mixed in with the heat of the moment. Again, his mind loops back around to others. Others that James made out with after all that practice he got in with Keith. Others who felt the same kind of swooping rush in their stomachs as James wound his fingers in their hair.

It's so ridiculous that Keith can't stand it. Grip tightening on the other's collar, he stops thinking about what he's doing physically in favor of simply breaking rhythm to nip at James' lip again -- something to force the other to react to him -- and then goes back to kissing a little more heatedly, each movement like an unspoken I want you.\

[ This is going much too far and far too quickly, but James can't bring himself to pay attention to the nagging voice in the back of his head. As long as they're making out and his heart is racing, he doesn't need to think -- and in hindsight it's probably exactly that phenomenon that had driven him and Keith together in the first place, all those years ago. How... romantic. How completely unlike every fantasy about his future love life that young James had ever come up with. Those had involved a lot of fancy dates and a lot of suaveness on his part. They definitely did not contain falling for the bane of his existence and never getting over that, despite all better judgement. For the golden child, known for his success by the rules, James' life has developed excessively far from the guidelines. Maybe James should console his past self with the fact that Keith is arguably the biggest and most influential catch in the universe right now. If only thinking about that wasn't so weird...

Weird, especially when Keith's teeth are insistently tugging at his lip, making him sigh in enjoyment. Keith's body is always honest - whether he's punching, kissing, or rejecting any touch at all, it's always easy to tell that he means it. James is glad to know this hasn't changed and he happily accepts every rough movement and repays it in kind.

Soon enough, he winds up pushing Keith backwards onto the bed (on top of the laid out uniform, which is a pity because it'll crinkle, but ah well). He feels lightheaded, far too warm in the face, lips tingling pleasantly... and god, he should stop now before stopping becomes more awkward. Reluctantly, he separates their lips (messy, far too messy, there's too much saliva here already) and stares down at Keith. Gorgeous. ]

I came here tonight to prove I don't need you, you know that...? You always mess up my plans. Every time, every single one of them...

[ He's whispering, as if loud voices would break the sanctity of their bad choices. ]

[Keith knows better than this. Really, he does. It's not a good idea to be making out with someone that was saying poisonous, spiteful things to him less than an hour ago, He shouldn't be letting the same boy who melted into tears claim his mouth or push him onto his back without putting up any resistance. He shouldn't.

But something about being with James transcends better judgment. James is the only one he'd let in this far, this close, and even though it's been years since they've known each other on that level, falling back into it is simultaneously easy and painful. We used to love each other without knowing it is an unbearable sentiment, and as long as they're connected and kissing, it all seems like something that they can reclaim -- something that can simply be picked up again, like there aren't a million complications with that. It's stupid and wrong, but Keith wraps an arm around James' back holding him down on top of him like it's the only thing in the world that matters.

When they break apart again, he knows there's a faint flush in his cheeks because they feel warm. He knows his lips are a little swollen from those bites that James gave back and that his breathing is erratic, but he holds eye contact. In the past, those words would have made him smirk -- he was so fiercely protective of the fact that he could turn James' world inside out in these small ways that were invisible to the rest of the world. But now... now he sees just how far that's gone, how out of control that all was and it hurts. It hurts to see James seem so defeated by his own willpower.

Keith releases his collar, reaching up higher to gently cradle James' face, whispering back.]

Sorry. I really thought you'd stopped thinking about me. I was going to try and be happy for you.

[ James huffs in faint amusement and gives Keith a lopsided smile. ]

…. the thought is appreciated.

[ Especially the 'try' part, though he won't say that out loud. The knowledge that Keith has been longing for him is still new and exciting and James eats up every bit of evidence of it greedily. ]

I tried it. The forgetting, the being happy... Almost made it, once.

[ With a person who had been kind and patient and wanted the best for him. The opposite of Keith in every possible way. James had been pretty content for a while, in a subtle and not as passionate sense. That relationship had been like softly falling instead of crashing all the way to the bottom in a matter of weeks. And at some point, James found himself haven fallen too far for comfort. And he ran away before anyone could hurt him again the way Keith did. He ran away from his partner like Keith ran from him, only with more common decency. An amiable break-up, all things considered. They stayed in touch until the communications network went down.

James shakes off the memory. It isn't hard to do when Keith is in under him looking so unbelievably intimate, so much like he's his again. ]

Almost. You're hard to forget.

[ He lowers himself further so he doesn't have to look at Keith anymore, instead simply resting on his chest, feeling his breathing against his own. ]

… and I really thought you'd be happy elsewhere, too. Those guys from our class, some alien... I don' know.

[There are an impossible number of things going through his mind as he listens. In lieu of saying anything, Keith bites down on his lip. At first he'd told himself he would feel nothing about the inevitability of James moving on. It didn't matter what Keith wanted, nobody he needed thought he was important enough to stay for. His mom, dad, then his brother -- nobody. His entire childhood had been defined by loss and chaos, and he was sick of grieving, sick of being forced to feel anything for anyone when he knew none of it was destined to last.

The time he spent in the Quantum Abyss had changed a lot of that. Removed from the frontlines of war and left to actively, invasively confront his past, he'd been forced to face just how much everything he'd felt about his inherent worthlessness had bled over into all of his interactions with other people. No sugarcoating, no hiding, no escaping. Two years of nothing but hard lessons and shame and regret and then... there was nothing left to do but to own up to his fuck ups.

James deserved better than what he'd given. James deserved to be with someone who could make him happy. Keith couldn't and wouldn't want anything less than that for him, no matter who it was with. Still, he wraps his arm tighter around the boy's back. He doesn't know why. Or rather, he does, but he doesn't want to give that thought further room to grow.

He breathes out staring at the ceiling. Mercifully James continues and the train of thought is ludicrous enough that Keith actually lets out a huff of a laugh. Him? Be with Hunk? Be with Lance?! God, what the hell.... ]

... you're joking, right? After everything, I didn't want to be with anyone like that again. [A pause. Perhaps that sounded a bit melodramatic.] I mean.. I don't know, it just...didn't feel like I was supposed to.

Edited 2019-01-30 17:31 (UTC)

....oh my god.

[ James murmurs incredulously into Keith's hair. The admission is genuinely shocking. There'd been years here and if their experience was anything to go by, Keith is anything but a physically withdrawn person when it comes to dealing with things - punches or kisses, it hardly seems to matter. So in James' mind there'd been no doubt that Keith would sooner or later latch onto another - especially since the idea of himself having been used and dumped is still so ingrained in his mind.

James lifts his head just enough to be able to look at Keith again. ]

No, you're the one who has to be joking. How you left me was awful, but you've grown up and gotten over yourself, so... Man, there really wasn't anyone?

[The incredulity has him starting to feel an annoying degree of self consciousness. Keith looks away.]

Look. There was a lot going on, alright?

[Not to mention he spent half that time he was away drifting on the back of a space whale with just his mom for company. There's a sigh.]

So no. Nobody. Just you.

Edited 2019-01-30 18:08 (UTC)

[ James knows this shouldn't make him happy, but it does. It also shouldn't make him feel guilty for his past relationships, but it does that as well. It's a very irritating mix of emotions. ]

I see.

[ He gives Keith a quick kiss, the very satisfying knowledge that those lips are his sitting triumphantly in his mind. ]

Lack of practice certainly hasn't made you worse at this, I have to say.

[Keith is quiet for a moment, letting a raised eyebrow do most of the talking. Not that he doesn't understand why a lack of lovers on his end might draw a smile from James, but something about it just continues to burn his insides with the desire to add some ridiculous addendum that he wasn't waiting or creepily holding out hope that James would take him back or whatever. But there's been enough commentary that's left a weird aftertaste between them tonight.]

....yeah, well. Guess I wasn't a prodigy for nothing.

Eugh.

[ James rolls his eyes at the acknowledgement of Keith's natural talent, but then breaks into soft laughter. This feels normal, it feels organic and as if they had any chance at all at being together with casual ease. Illusions, all of it, but pleasant ones. Isn't 4am a time for dreams? ]

Must you make me want to take my compliments back?

[There's a pause and then Keith breaks into a smile of his own. It's hard to not be drawn into the sound of James' laughter, and his heart absolutely did not get the memo on not skipping beats over this. He presses upwards to leave a kiss on James' neck.]

I'll be good.

[ James finds himself still smiling, as if it's hard to stop once started. He leans in close to Keith's face, noses practically touching. ]

Hmmh... good? You? Now why don't I believe in that?

Edited 2019-01-30 18:59 (UTC)

[Bantering while close just feels so strangely natural. Easy in a way that probably won't last the night, and in a way it makes Keith just a little hesitant to think about tomorrow. He'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow happens. Hand moving up, he gently traces the curve of that smile with his fingers.]

Try me.

Oh, I definitely will.

[ It's a low murmur before James closes the gap between them to go back to kissing. He's back to being slow and gentle this time. The need to claim, claim, claim has been subdued some by the experiencing of simply laughing together. Kissing is really good, James finds, and he hadn't realized how much he missed it in the last few years. Missed kissing in general, but even more so (and much longer) missed Keith. He missed the history they have together and the way he can effortlessly be his most authentic self around the other boy. Keith knows him like nobody else does, tears down his guards simply by existing. As much pain as being with him brings, it also gives James relief. There's a certain kind of exhaustion that only Keith can cure (and then replace with a completely different kind of exhaustion and dread, as is the cycle). ]

[There are still so many questions left in the back of his mind about James and the people he's seen in the past, the time he nearly did just forget about him and move on, but between the option of breaking away to ask and kissing like none of those questions matter, Keith prefers the latter. It already hurt listening to that tiny portion of it, and though he knows pretending that it's just them is just that, the present also is occupied with soft, pleasant kisses and he kisses back in earnest.

The arm wrapped around James' back moves up towards his hair, and without thinking about it, he frowns into the kiss at the sensation of gelled hair between his fingers. After another moment, he has to stop kissing because there's laughter bubbling in this throat. Nostalgic as fuck.]

... you seriously did your hair to go on a mission?

[ James looks positively disgruntled to have kisses interrupted for this question! ]

Well, yes. How else was I going to show you just how well I am doing independently if not by impeccable styling?

[ He raises his eyebrows in mock-indignation, if as is Keith should already know that nothing screams 'I am over you' quite like making yourself look good for your ex. ]

Though really, it's just habit.

Edited 2019-01-30 19:58 (UTC)

[There is no other word for this mock indignation other than "cute" and Keith is... for a split second disturbed by his own train of thought here. It doesn't stop him from smiling exactly as he shifts his hand to sweep over the ungelled part of James' hair.]

Ah. It's a terrible habit.

[But it's said affectionately enough, and he curves his hand down the other boy's jaw to start kissing again. Still soft for a moment before he deepens the kiss.]

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