jeith | is that alright

is that alright

[It'd been on the back of his mind ever since they agreed that their next step was to return to Earth in order to replace the Castle of Lions, like a ghost silently following him around whenever there isn't something immediately life threatening to hold his attention. For so long he's insisted that there was nothing to go back home to, That by the end of it all he made everyone turn their backs on him and that this was all for the best. It's the only narrative that makes him stop looking at the past and look towards the present and future, and it had served him so well for as long as it lasted.

The return to Earth refuses to be simple though, and barely even before the dust of their destroyed planet had even settled, there'd only been one person in his mind: Griffin. Was he okay? Did he survive this? And then only few minutes later that Garrison car had shown up to pick them up from the ruins of Platt City and that achingly familiar voice had momentarily rendered Keith speechless.

That was just several hours ago, but somehow it feels like a lifetime has passed already between the endless reunions, briefings, status reports and navigating around an entire military's chain of command where it'd only been the paladins before. He doesn't know what to expect from Griffin anymore, but he knows without a doubt that he deserves every single cold look, and grimaces his way through the guy's criticism of his team, somehow knowing it's not even about Hunk, it's him. Griffin wants to yell at him and that's.......

Maybe that's egotistical. Maybe the guy's doing far less thinking about Keith than Keith is doing about him.... and maybe he hopes that's true for Griffin's sake. It's that thought that keeps him from seeking Griffin out on his own. As much as he wants to apologize, he knows not everyone gets to and that not everyone wants one.

Then again that might also just be cowardice in the guise of empathy; Keith doesn't know. But he does know that when Griffin and Veronica turn up unexpectedly at the hangar to help him and Hunk, he's inexplicably, selfishly relieved. They return to the Garrison base without Hunk's parents, but there's a greater sense of resolve in the air. Hunk's going to save his family, they're going to liberate Earth and--]

...James.

[He reaches out grabbing the other boy's arm, heart thudding in his chest.]

Can we talk?

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Eugh.

[ James rolls his eyes at the acknowledgement of Keith's natural talent, but then breaks into soft laughter. This feels normal, it feels organic and as if they had any chance at all at being together with casual ease. Illusions, all of it, but pleasant ones. Isn't 4am a time for dreams? ]

Must you make me want to take my compliments back?

[There's a pause and then Keith breaks into a smile of his own. It's hard to not be drawn into the sound of James' laughter, and his heart absolutely did not get the memo on not skipping beats over this. He presses upwards to leave a kiss on James' neck.]

I'll be good.

[ James finds himself still smiling, as if it's hard to stop once started. He leans in close to Keith's face, noses practically touching. ]

Hmmh... good? You? Now why don't I believe in that?

Edited 2019-01-30 18:59 (UTC)

[Bantering while close just feels so strangely natural. Easy in a way that probably won't last the night, and in a way it makes Keith just a little hesitant to think about tomorrow. He'll deal with tomorrow when tomorrow happens. Hand moving up, he gently traces the curve of that smile with his fingers.]

Try me.

Oh, I definitely will.

[ It's a low murmur before James closes the gap between them to go back to kissing. He's back to being slow and gentle this time. The need to claim, claim, claim has been subdued some by the experiencing of simply laughing together. Kissing is really good, James finds, and he hadn't realized how much he missed it in the last few years. Missed kissing in general, but even more so (and much longer) missed Keith. He missed the history they have together and the way he can effortlessly be his most authentic self around the other boy. Keith knows him like nobody else does, tears down his guards simply by existing. As much pain as being with him brings, it also gives James relief. There's a certain kind of exhaustion that only Keith can cure (and then replace with a completely different kind of exhaustion and dread, as is the cycle). ]

[There are still so many questions left in the back of his mind about James and the people he's seen in the past, the time he nearly did just forget about him and move on, but between the option of breaking away to ask and kissing like none of those questions matter, Keith prefers the latter. It already hurt listening to that tiny portion of it, and though he knows pretending that it's just them is just that, the present also is occupied with soft, pleasant kisses and he kisses back in earnest.

The arm wrapped around James' back moves up towards his hair, and without thinking about it, he frowns into the kiss at the sensation of gelled hair between his fingers. After another moment, he has to stop kissing because there's laughter bubbling in this throat. Nostalgic as fuck.]

... you seriously did your hair to go on a mission?

[ James looks positively disgruntled to have kisses interrupted for this question! ]

Well, yes. How else was I going to show you just how well I am doing independently if not by impeccable styling?

[ He raises his eyebrows in mock-indignation, if as is Keith should already know that nothing screams 'I am over you' quite like making yourself look good for your ex. ]

Though really, it's just habit.

Edited 2019-01-30 19:58 (UTC)

[There is no other word for this mock indignation other than "cute" and Keith is... for a split second disturbed by his own train of thought here. It doesn't stop him from smiling exactly as he shifts his hand to sweep over the ungelled part of James' hair.]

Ah. It's a terrible habit.

[But it's said affectionately enough, and he curves his hand down the other boy's jaw to start kissing again. Still soft for a moment before he deepens the kiss.]

[ James would love to protest, but Keith certainly has quite convincing a way to nip argument in the bud. For a while, he's content to simply go along with Keith and lavishly mash their mouths together. And really, he'd be fine keeping on going until their lips grow numb, if it wasn't for the armored chest plate of his mission clothes cutting into his skin insistently. There's a lot Keith can make him forget and really, he's already helped him forget his discomfort for a significant amount of time, but enough is enough.

With a groan he sits up (essentially leading him to sitting on Keith's lap, soles of his shoes only barely hanging off the bed) and loosens the straps of the chest-piece. ]

Sorry, I just... This was not designed for laying down.

[There's slight confusion when James breaks away and sits up, but it clears with the explanation. Keith takes a moment to exhale slowly, trying to get his breathing back at a normal rate, though watching James start pulling off his armor ultimately has more of the opposite effect.

Keith props himself up onto his elbows, half smile tugging at his lips. It's... still a little surreal that they're together at all right now, but he's not complaining in the slightest if James has decided the solution to discomfort isn't stopping and leaving, but stripping.]

Need help?

I got this, thanks.

[ James gives a quick appreciative smile, despite declining. There's nothing particularly alluring about taking off a rigid piece like this and the movement of putting this on and off has become so routine over the years of war that James could do it in his sleep. Some days he suspects he actually did it in his sleep, given how tired he was. So within moments, the armor comes off and is tossed to the floor with a dull clank.

Now it's tempting to also take off the knee-protectors and boots properly... James gives it a moment of consideration before he leaves his position on top of Keith to quickly get rid of those items as well. The way they're going with their lips all over each other, he suspects he won't be leaving within the next while anyway. ]

That's way better.

[ Contented with his new comfort, he puts his arms up over his head to stretch as he looks over at Keith, who... really looks pretty much naked with only the black body-suit on. Man. ]

Edited 2019-01-30 22:47 (UTC)

[Keith catches himself staring as James removes more of his gear, then catches himself and looks down. The cadet uniform he's currently crushing is a searing orange color, and easily holds his attention. He probably shouldn't be lying on top of this thing. Not that he cares much if it's wrinkled or whatever the case may be, but he doesn't want anyone nagging at him for it either. Gathering the uniform in his hands, he makes an attempt to throw them over the back of his chair, though he's no Mary Poppins and the clothes land in ways that are going to leave creases. He debates getting up to actually fix that for a second, but catches James staring at him first.]

What?

[ For a second, James looks caught by the question, but then he smoothens his expression. They've been on-off kissing for what feels like half an hour, does he really need to be shy? Around Keith? So he simply says: ]

You're attractive and I've got years of looking to catch up on.

[ He shrugs casually, though then another thought hits him. ]

You used to not notice me staring, way back in the day. Before the Garrison.

...blunt.

[He doesn't know how else to respond to that. People don't usually approach him with opinions like this and how easy or not easy he is on the eyes isn't something he considers. The comment does, however, make him realize that... yeah, okay, under armor is perhaps incredibly revealing and that he should have changed into one of his other options. He gets to his feet, deciding to fix the uniform situation after all, if only to move and shake himself out of the thought.]

You're doing an awful lot of kissing for someone who's only trying to catch up on looking though.

[A slight tease, eyes averted as he straightens out the jacket and pants. Then a pause and a glance over his shoulder.]

What were you staring at me for back then?

[ 'I never said only' James thinks, but out loud he just gives an amused huff. There is so much to catch up on that in truth, he doesn't know where to start. If he wants Keith back, then there are many years to bridge. They used to share all of their memories in at least the rough forms - same school, same class, always. Surrounded by the same people in the same drum of daily life. Now there is time that separates them and its content can't even be inferred. James can't imagine what happened to Keith in space and likewise, Keith has no idea what Earth was really like during its destruction. The gap here is daunting. ]

Probably the same reasons as now, just that I didn't get it yet.

[ Reasons are very consciously put into plural - Keith being attractive is one of them, but there are many others seated more deeply, an uncomfortable weight in his mind. Liking Keith has never been easy. ]

[With that uniform hanging more neatly off the back of the chair, Keith turns back to lie back down on the bed. He doesn't look at James at any point as he moves, flopping back to stare up at the ceiling with the pillow under his head.]

I didn't notice a whole lot back then. I was pretty ... stuck in my own head. You know from having to move to a different place. Everyone was just... I don't know either annoying or a placeholder. [A beat.] Or an annoying placeholder, I guess.

[Lips pursed in thought for a moment, he continues:]

You actually called me by name though... which I appreciated. I didn't know you thought I was attractive back then. I thought I was just the weird emo kid.

I thought a lot of things about you. Which is probably what made it impossible to call you anything but your name. It was in my head way too much to begin with.

[ James shakes his head gently at his past self, as if his present self were any better. With Keith laying down, he opts to lay down next to him, rather than in any more compromising position. Head propped up on his elbow, his eyes never really leave Keith though. ]

Though I did make a point to immediately learn it right when you came in. Seemed like the proper thing to do. Except you turned out to be anything but proper and it drove me up the wall. You didn't even pay attention to me and I think I was kind of offended. I was a good kid! Everyone liked me! But you didn't and I wanted you to. Yet I couldn't be friendly to you because you weren't acting properly and... it was a mess way before we got into the Garrison. A benign, childish mess.

Edited 2019-01-31 00:08 (UTC)

[His eyes stay trained on the ceiling, though as the elaboration continues Keith turns his face slightly to look over at James. It's strange going all the way back to middle school days, and fleetingly he wonders if that building's still standing, still managing to be that little slice of hell that he remembers it being. Of course, his perception of what was hellish has gone through some pretty significant redefinitions of late.

That aside though, the explanation turns out to be the most perfectly James like thing he's heard in so long that it makes him smile -- something warm and soft. He reaches across to brush his hand.]

You're ... you make everything so complicated, you know that, James?

[ Keith might be intending for brushing but James immediately captures the hand to interlace their fingers. The gesture is almost too romantic to feel appropriate, but James has tossed out appropriate the moment he entered this room.]

I was just trying hard to get it right and also I was 13, which was a sincere detractor on the sanity end.

[...]

.... judging by tonight 23 might not be much better, so nevermind that. Things involving you just stop having clear rules.

Edited 2019-01-31 00:43 (UTC)

[There's a slight pause at hearing 23; it's never not going to be weird to think about tthe fact that they're not even the same age anymore. But after a missed beat, Keith closes his own fingers around James' hand.]

Do you want there to be clear rules?

[It's an earnest question asked in a fairly even tone, despite being genuinely curious about it. He still doesn't know what it is James really wants from him. If this is is just -- something he's doing because they're both mourning they lost and trying to feel less lonely about it or something else.

Either way, that one's up to James. Keith's well aware he is not in a position to ask anything from him.]

Edited 2019-01-31 00:55 (UTC)

[ That is, by all accounts, an excellent question. James can't answer it without some hesitation, so he let's his thumb brush over Keith's hand as he thinks.
Being without rules, turning everything upside down... as much as those things drive James crazy, they've always been a driving factor in his fascination with Keith. Keith is everything he isn't and James is pulled to him near magnetically. In the end, that's what got them both hurt. No rules, no talk, only wild attraction and polar moods.

What of now? What does he want now? It's hard to say for sure because all the things he truly desires would involve rewriting the past. ]

If we're going to keep doing this, you mean? Then I want rules, yeah. I want to know what you're thinking, all of it. No more running.

[Keith gives that hand a squeeze; his reply is firm and immediate.]

No more running.

[That much he'd already wanted to prove to James regardless of the nature of their relationship. Keith has decidedly moved on from being that kid with abandonment issues that needled its way into self sabotage. He's better equipped emotionally, mentally. There's a beat of silence though, and then he shifts slightly to turn his whole body towards James.]

To be honest, I'm not even sure what you mean when you say "this." I don't know what this is to you, right now. [Brow furrowed slightly, he looks down at their hands.] Guess the hopeful part of me wants it to mean that you want to trust me again, but...

[Trailing off, he brushes James' cheek with his free hand and glances back up to look him in the eyes.]

That's how it is for me anyway. I'm with you now because it's you, you know? I want to know you again. Properly this time.

[And again, others come back to mind, and a sigh builds in his lungs. Keith swallows it down.]

I don't know if that's stupid to you. Maybe I'm a little jealous, too.

[ Though he'd asked for honestly up-front, what he gets is still far more than James was actually expecting to get out of this. He stares at Keith with surprise in his eyes, but his expression softens the longer he speaks. Not in his wildest dreams had he expected to get to this point again - and he hadn't wanted it either. He'd thought that this would be a chance Keith doesn't deserve. He'd thought that if Keith ever came crawling back, he'd crush him like Keith did to him all those years ago.

James doesn't feel like crushing anyone now.

I'm with you now because it's you, you know?

Instead he's feeling unnecessarily fluttery in his stomach. ]

... can't lie, I'm a little happy about that.

[ The jealousy is easiest to address first, but he does so in a weak voice that betrays how much the rest of Keith's words has affected him. His smile thin but genuine. ]

And... it's kind of stupid. I should be storming off for you even suggesting it. But I should also have stormed off in the hangar and not come back to your room to tenderly hold hands on your bed, so that's... all happening.

[ He clears his throat a little, looking unsure for a moment. ]

I want you back, Keith. I don't know if I can trust you, I don't know how hard it could be, but I do want you back. If I have to choose between being miserable with or without you, I'd choose the former anyway.

[Keith doesn't know how to respond to any of this at first. When he said he was being hopeful, that had been an understatement -- it'd been the part of him that was selfishly yearning for things he knew he wasn't entitled to, things that are well out of his reach, things he can't possibly want anymore.

But somehow the words I want you back are there and Keith is overwhelmed by how much he doesn't deserve this. Like the time Shiro had bailed him out of the juvenile detention center after stealing his car. Like all the countless times James had tried to be a shoulder to cry on, and a hand to hold onto.

A slew of different feelings collide with one another and all Keith can do is stare right back until finally there's a shy smile on his lips.]

...why do both of those options have to feature you being miserable one way or the other?

[Reaching across, he drapes his arm around James' shoulder, resting his forehead against his chest.]

I just want you to be happy.

[ James laughs at that, softly. It's neither amused nor is it bitter. It's the kind of helpless laughter caused by situational irony. ]

Precedent taught me not to be optimistic.

[ It's a mean thing to say, he realizes only after it's already left his mouth. Most of what was miserable about their first attempt at a relationship was caused by both of them failing to communicate, they know now. The issues James had been having were largely in his head only. Apologetically, he wraps his arm around Keith. ]

I just... I can't forget the last six years. I hated you so much and I still had nightmares about you dead in space. Feels like if I let go of you now, you'll just be gone again.

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