jeith | is that alright

is that alright

[It'd been on the back of his mind ever since they agreed that their next step was to return to Earth in order to replace the Castle of Lions, like a ghost silently following him around whenever there isn't something immediately life threatening to hold his attention. For so long he's insisted that there was nothing to go back home to, That by the end of it all he made everyone turn their backs on him and that this was all for the best. It's the only narrative that makes him stop looking at the past and look towards the present and future, and it had served him so well for as long as it lasted.

The return to Earth refuses to be simple though, and barely even before the dust of their destroyed planet had even settled, there'd only been one person in his mind: Griffin. Was he okay? Did he survive this? And then only few minutes later that Garrison car had shown up to pick them up from the ruins of Platt City and that achingly familiar voice had momentarily rendered Keith speechless.

That was just several hours ago, but somehow it feels like a lifetime has passed already between the endless reunions, briefings, status reports and navigating around an entire military's chain of command where it'd only been the paladins before. He doesn't know what to expect from Griffin anymore, but he knows without a doubt that he deserves every single cold look, and grimaces his way through the guy's criticism of his team, somehow knowing it's not even about Hunk, it's him. Griffin wants to yell at him and that's.......

Maybe that's egotistical. Maybe the guy's doing far less thinking about Keith than Keith is doing about him.... and maybe he hopes that's true for Griffin's sake. It's that thought that keeps him from seeking Griffin out on his own. As much as he wants to apologize, he knows not everyone gets to and that not everyone wants one.

Then again that might also just be cowardice in the guise of empathy; Keith doesn't know. But he does know that when Griffin and Veronica turn up unexpectedly at the hangar to help him and Hunk, he's inexplicably, selfishly relieved. They return to the Garrison base without Hunk's parents, but there's a greater sense of resolve in the air. Hunk's going to save his family, they're going to liberate Earth and--]

...James.

[He reaches out grabbing the other boy's arm, heart thudding in his chest.]

Can we talk?

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[ James walks with his teeth grit tightly, trying to keep it together, praying not to be seen. Some of that tension drops from his shoulders when they arrive in Keith's room. If nothing else he is safe from invasive gazes in here. Keith doesn't count. Keith is the cause of all of this, the bane of his existence, and it's too late to take back his tears anyway.

Though it's been far too long since they've been in private quarters together, James lets himself fall onto Keith's bed next to the laid-out uniform as if it was the most natural thing to do. ]

... yeah. If I felt like an idiot for wasting so much of my life hung up on you before, then I don't even know what to call this feeling.

[ As he speaks, he takes off his gloves so he can run his bare hands over his face. ]

Honestly, this seems like a sick joke, doesn't it?

[Keith pulls out the desk chair and sits down heavily, idlly beginning to pull at the pieces of his armor. It's not that his gear is uncomfortable, just that he needs something to occupy his hands and mind for a few more minutes before he can even delve back into how ... how stupid he'd been. The leg armor comes off first, simply because that's easiest.]

.. yeah.

[His voice is soft, a little distanced and pensive.]

I... [Trailing off, unsure how to finish that sentence.]] ...can I ask why you didn't tell me?

You can. I'm just not sure I have a good answer.

[ James sighs. His eyes are still burning and his head is dully aching. Crying is miserable. He's glad he doesn't do it often. The relief of it isn't worse the washed out feeling after. ]

Guess I didn't want you breaking my heart?

[ This time he leaves the 'look how that turned out' unsaid. He doesn't feel like needling anymore, the situation hurts enough as is already. ]

Well, and... you were the first. I was an idiot teenager, I didn't know how to go about these things. It felt like the wrong kind of situation to fall for anyone in, I thought I was... being kind of tasteless.

[James doesn't have to say what he's decided to leave unsaid; Keith's mind supplies it for him anyway loud and clear, and his expression falls. It takes another moment before he resumes fumbling with his arm guards.]

You were already being kinda tasteless being with me, you know.

[It's meant as a joke, though for the life of him, Keith isn't able to stick the delivery on it. Cycling between numb and pained all over again, his voice stays flat, and he drops more pieces of armor onto the floor, not caring that he ought to be organizing it.]

Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do.

[...and somehow it was the only thing he really knew how to do. Keith drags his hand down his face and takes a deep breath. Just concentrate on taking off the chest piece and then... and then he can work out the next step after that when he gets there.]

I believe you on that now and it doesn't make this whole 'disappear without a word' any more comprehensible.

[ It is daggers in his heart to think that Keith hadn't gotten any of the affection he was bending himself over backwards to give. Being with Keith had hurt so much and he'd still tried so hard and just... nothing.

Looking at Keith when he's essentially stripping is strange in the context of this conversation, but James still can't help but think about all the ways in which Keith's body changed. He's an adult now, every bit a fighter. It's visible everywhere in his frame.

After a moment, he looks away with a sigh, stares at the wall instead.]

... and yeah, it was tasteless. It was super tasteless to accept your advances when I knew you wouldn't be making them in any better state of mind, but I was... very 17.

....I don't regret that, you know.

[A strange thing to admit out loud all this time later. At first, of course he hated himself a little for ending up in the arms of the kid who'd tormented him for years -- of course he knew it was fucked up. But paradoxically, that's what made it easier -- he didn't care what James thought of him. He didn't care if James thought he was being needy or greedy or anything. The guy already thought he was trash, there weren't any positive expectations to inevitably shatter and it made going to James so much easier.

But it was never just that simple, was it? He doesn't know when wanting distractions turned into wanting James, but wanting him came with so many other things that were too difficult at the time. In retrospect, it aches just thinking about the hubris involved behind wanting to make James happy when he himself had no real sense of what happiness looked like in the long term. He experienced that in quick bursts back then, like chasing adrenaline rushes that burned out all too quickly and...]

And I can't explain that in a way that's going to make sense.

[The chest piece of his armor loosens in his hands, and Keith pulls it off over his head.]

Like I said. I'm not proud of it, ok? So... don't take this like I'm defending what I did. [He sighs, letting that last piece of armor drop and gets to his feet, pacing.]

I just couldn't face you after getting booted, okay? You tried so hard to help me stay in line and I messed it up. I messed it up in a way that I couldn't fix and... I thought you'd be disgusted. I was never going to be a pilot again and that was the end of anything I had to offer. I thought for sure that it'd be over. That this was the wake up call you needed. [A breath as he rubs his face.[ ...I was just a scared kid running away.

[There's a brief silence and:]

You asked what I wanted. I don't know. I guess I just want you to know that I'm not going to run away again.

[ James isn't even sure what he would have thought of Keith's expulsion from the Garrison had he been confronted with it on normal terms. Maybe he'd have gone talk to Iverson, try and reason with him. Gotten himself punished as well, in a minor way that would still have majorly scandalized him. And then... who knows?

The line of thought comes to a stop when Keith finishes talking. James finally tears his eyes off the wall again. It's a big mistake because wow, Keith has developed a really broad chest and it's the last thing he wants to be thinking about right now. It's tasteless. Maybe in that way it does fit them.

James swallows and meets Keith's eyes instead. ]

Not running away from what exactly?

[Well that's certainly the question, isn't it. Keith meant the sentiment in a general sense -- that he's left behind the kid who ran away from his problems and has learned to face whatever mess he's caused on his own, no matter what the consequences are, but coming face to face with a demand for specifics...

Well. He pauses, but doesn't drop eye contact.]

Whatever it is that you want from me. If you still want anything from me at all.

[Be it becoming a punching bag for all the things he did, a shoulder to cry on... whatever it may be.]

[ James finds himself raising his eyebrows. ]

'Whatever I want'? That's a pretty foolish thing to offer someone you only just re-met, Keith.

[ Though truth be told, he doesn't really know what he should want either. He knows what he yearns for, but it's too bad an idea to even consider. ]

And here I expected you'd moved on from being so self-destructive...

[At that Keith takes a seat on the bed about an arm's length away from James.]

You gonna hurt me then?

[He has his doubts that James could do or say anything that could be more hurtful than what's already been said..]

[ Well, that's... a very open and simple question and he simply doesn't know the answer. It gives James pause. Keith is sitting close now, way too close, and looking at him from this distance... it's nice.

In the hanger, he hadn't been able to return Keith's sentiment, but it rings true now. I missed you. James missed this, the intimacy of simply being themselves around each other even if their selves are far from what they present to the public. Far from perfect. Well... maybe Keith is perfect now. Closer to it than ever before at any rate.

Eventually, James shrugs. ]

... not sure. If there's anything I just learned it's that we're really good at doing that to each other no matter what.

[Keith looks down at his hands with a sigh.]

Guess we are, huh.

[And in the back of his mind, he wonders if he'll ever be able to stop hurting people who care about him. It'd gone disastrously with James, and even after he thought he'd grown up a bit... under the pressure of going space mad he'd failed utterly to be a leader the paladins could rally around, let alone be the friend they all needed.

Maybe it's just... etched into the fabric of who he is. That there's always going to be some part of him that's ready to lash out at friends when he's feeling vulnerable and weak. He swallows.]

It's a curse. I hate it.

[ It only took this little to make James hate Keith's dejected expression again. Only so few words of reconciliation for him to fall right back in. Whatever sadistic pleasure he'd felt about Keith being hurt had vanished completely at the realization of what both of them went through. ]

I can't undo the last years. I can't pretend it's been fine, least of all to you. I feel a lot of ugly things. And you're the only one who knows and has to take it. You sure you don't want to run away?

[ James just... can't imagine it will be fun, for either of them, to hear of the years that passed without one another. Guilt, burning jealousy, resentment... He can already feel them coming. But this is still the only way he could ever want anything from Keith at all. There's no way a superficial relationship could be sustainable between them. Not now, maybe not until in decades. ]

[There's a grimace at this, though Keith looks back up at James quickly.]

I'm not doing that to you again, so... yeah. I'm sure. And I'm sure you're not going to be able to talk me out of it.

[ This is like a dream scenario that he wakes up from feeling hollow inside, leaving him moody all day. Only this time it's real, he knows it because he still feels awful. He's tired, his face is only starting to recover from a crying fit, his head hurts.... Every part of him feels shittier than dreams would ever allow for. And in his dreams, he may still have better judgement than in reality, because James finds himself impulsively reaching for Keith to pull him closer. He hasn't done this in so many years, but it still manages to feel faintly familiar. ]

...we're going to regret this.

[ It's mostly a whisper, though a heartfelt one. Every part of this is a terrible idea and he needs to leave now to reconsider it in peace and quiet. Re-find his sanity. Not listen to the part of him that currently is screaming reclaim Keith as if it could somehow make up for every year of absence. He should really not be listening. Keith is a bad influence, this is only re-confirmation. He can't keep doing this. He can't---

James drowns out his own thoughts as he leans in for a kiss. ]

Edited 2019-01-29 02:45 (UTC)

[Defying all odds, Keith wasn't necessarily expecting to be pulled in. He wasn't entirely sure where any of this was going... and maybe in retrospect he should have anticipated this. He'd already drawn the comparison earlier between how he was the day of the memorial service and James in the hangar... so really was there any real reason to question why this was unraveling in much the same way?

We're gonna regret this.

And just like that it's a little like they're both teenage boys again trying so hard to find comfort in each other, despite knowing how stupid it was. And it's all so painfully familiar. The hands pulling him close, the way their faces align, the outline of James' lips...

There's only a second spared for an idle thought on whether or not this also counts as being tasteless, but after that Keith doesn't care. He leans into the kiss, hand reaching up to wind around James' neck to hold him there because he felt a little like he was drowning and this -- despite the wrongness of it -- makes him feel like he can breathe again.

It's been so long since he was physically intimate with anyone. For so many different reasons he hadn't been interested, but perhaps even if there wasn't a brutal war going on, he simply couldn't. Couldn't because every time he even entertained a frivolous thought, his heart would ache wondering what a certain hotshot pilot was up to. Now he knows a little of what happened. There were others... and some ridiculous part of Keith wonders if James kissed them just like this, and he knows, he fucking knows, that he had no claim to the boy, but it doesn't make that fresh cut sting less.

So he should stop. He should pull back and say this is too soon. But he wants to stay close like this just as much. No.More.

He draws back just enough to breathe out a few words.]

I really missed you, James.

[Whisper low, and then he closes the small gap again for another soft kiss.]

[ It feels good in all the wrong ways and Keith's grip on his neck involuntarily makes James smile into the kiss. It's satisfying to feel wanted by the one person who he thought he meant nothing to. Being held in place like this is proof of Keith's words that he can feel on his skin. A stupid purely physical proof that he has no business enjoying as much as he does. In response he wraps his arms tighter around Keith's torso, gripping at the undersuit covering his back.

The words 'I really missed you' send a shiver down his spine now and the kiss that follows after is far too gentle to fit into this night. When they separate again, James stays quiet for a moment, appreciating Keith's face from up close.]

I missed you more than I can ever tell you, you stupid jackass.

Edited 2019-01-29 20:31 (UTC)

[They break apart and the comment makes Keith smile a little. It's going to be a while before words like those come anywhere near close to feeling like light hearted teasing.,, and to a degree, he knows it's not really meant to be. It leaves him unsure how to respond entirely, except to lightly trace the outline of James' jaw with his thumb.]

You really know how to tug at the heartstrings. You want me to kiss you or not.

[ Keith makes an argument for more politeness that is almost compelling. Maybe. ]

Hmm... Mostly I want you to want to kiss me, you know? But fair point.

[ While he speaks he let's his hands travel over Keith's back.]

You really changed a lot...

[The movement of hands on his back leaves his skin tingling beneath the under armor. Keith leans forward, stopping just when their noses brush.]

I dunno. I'd have to be a pretty stupid jackass to want to kiss someone who's calling me a stupid jackass.

[A point made and then immediately undermined by ducking his head to gently nip at James' lower lip.]

Changed in a bad way?

[ James sighs softly at the sneak attack. He hasn't touched anyone intimately since the war began either and now he's surprised by how hard his heart can beat. Though maybe that's not about kissing and more just about Keith. Keith, Keith, Keith. James still feels like he hates him but at the same time he hates the thought of letting go of him again so much more. Maybe James should really do something about overinvestment issues. Or maybe he should just hold on tightly to the lover he thought lost. ]

Physically? No way. Jury is out on your personality so sell me on it.

...heh.

[There's just a small smirk at both the sigh and the flattering commentary, even if it winds up getting backhanded.]

Still not real good at that "winning people over" thing. That was always you.

[Always the perfect. well spoken kid who made people believe he was going places. Keith takes his eyes off of James' mouth briefly establishing eye contact, expression softer before stealing another kiss.]

[ James leans into that kiss and furthers it. Seems like flattery will get you everywhere with me tonight he muses to himself. After all Keith wants to be with him. Still. Every new confirmation is soothing him a bit more. They both suffered from this. Keith suffered. Keith missed him. Mutuality feels amazing on his lips.]

... was it now? Considering where you've already got me again, your winning skills might still be insufferable actually.

[ And he should stop letting himself be won. Now. But hell, there's a war out there and he hasn't felt good in ages, so how much worse can it get by exchanging a few kisses with the person who hurt him most?]

You know you started it. right?

[That's not exact;y a complaint; just a reminder of who started kissing who. But he can't deny that he was in no way expecting James to still want him after all this. Again, far from a complaint, but his most optimistic projection of how trying to apologize would go, it stopped at simply being amiable again. Not this. Not back to whatever the hell this all is.

But now that it's here, Keith can't help wanting to get reacquainted in every way possible. There's no way to go back and undo every mistake from the past and though this isn't quite a correction, it's as close to being with James in the way he wanted to be all those years ago as he can manage. Maybe that's fucked up. But he also doesn't care.

Hand reaching fot the material around James' collar, he pulls him in again for another deeper kiss, heart skipping beats as tongue meets tongue. He can't help sighing just a little at the familiarity of it all.]

[ James follows Keith's lead without complaint, opening his mouth and pressing their bodies against each other with new intensity. It's different now than it was when they started out as teenagers. Back then they had been inexperienced, hesitantly stumbling over the movements but still no less eager for them. Now James has no qualms whatsoever about kissing and he has no reason to hold back with Keith. His grip on the other is possessive and tight, one hand finding its way into Keith's hair,and his kissing is likewise without restraint. Though the past years can never be caught up on, James can claim at least a little of what he missed out on. A piece of Keith that he wishes were his alone, but that's not something James can bring himself to even hope for. But whatever others there may have been, he can try and overwrite them.]

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