jeith | is that alright

is that alright

[It'd been on the back of his mind ever since they agreed that their next step was to return to Earth in order to replace the Castle of Lions, like a ghost silently following him around whenever there isn't something immediately life threatening to hold his attention. For so long he's insisted that there was nothing to go back home to, That by the end of it all he made everyone turn their backs on him and that this was all for the best. It's the only narrative that makes him stop looking at the past and look towards the present and future, and it had served him so well for as long as it lasted.

The return to Earth refuses to be simple though, and barely even before the dust of their destroyed planet had even settled, there'd only been one person in his mind: Griffin. Was he okay? Did he survive this? And then only few minutes later that Garrison car had shown up to pick them up from the ruins of Platt City and that achingly familiar voice had momentarily rendered Keith speechless.

That was just several hours ago, but somehow it feels like a lifetime has passed already between the endless reunions, briefings, status reports and navigating around an entire military's chain of command where it'd only been the paladins before. He doesn't know what to expect from Griffin anymore, but he knows without a doubt that he deserves every single cold look, and grimaces his way through the guy's criticism of his team, somehow knowing it's not even about Hunk, it's him. Griffin wants to yell at him and that's.......

Maybe that's egotistical. Maybe the guy's doing far less thinking about Keith than Keith is doing about him.... and maybe he hopes that's true for Griffin's sake. It's that thought that keeps him from seeking Griffin out on his own. As much as he wants to apologize, he knows not everyone gets to and that not everyone wants one.

Then again that might also just be cowardice in the guise of empathy; Keith doesn't know. But he does know that when Griffin and Veronica turn up unexpectedly at the hangar to help him and Hunk, he's inexplicably, selfishly relieved. They return to the Garrison base without Hunk's parents, but there's a greater sense of resolve in the air. Hunk's going to save his family, they're going to liberate Earth and--]

...James.

[He reaches out grabbing the other boy's arm, heart thudding in his chest.]

Can we talk?

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[ James finds himself raising his eyebrows. ]

'Whatever I want'? That's a pretty foolish thing to offer someone you only just re-met, Keith.

[ Though truth be told, he doesn't really know what he should want either. He knows what he yearns for, but it's too bad an idea to even consider. ]

And here I expected you'd moved on from being so self-destructive...

[At that Keith takes a seat on the bed about an arm's length away from James.]

You gonna hurt me then?

[He has his doubts that James could do or say anything that could be more hurtful than what's already been said..]

[ Well, that's... a very open and simple question and he simply doesn't know the answer. It gives James pause. Keith is sitting close now, way too close, and looking at him from this distance... it's nice.

In the hanger, he hadn't been able to return Keith's sentiment, but it rings true now. I missed you. James missed this, the intimacy of simply being themselves around each other even if their selves are far from what they present to the public. Far from perfect. Well... maybe Keith is perfect now. Closer to it than ever before at any rate.

Eventually, James shrugs. ]

... not sure. If there's anything I just learned it's that we're really good at doing that to each other no matter what.

[Keith looks down at his hands with a sigh.]

Guess we are, huh.

[And in the back of his mind, he wonders if he'll ever be able to stop hurting people who care about him. It'd gone disastrously with James, and even after he thought he'd grown up a bit... under the pressure of going space mad he'd failed utterly to be a leader the paladins could rally around, let alone be the friend they all needed.

Maybe it's just... etched into the fabric of who he is. That there's always going to be some part of him that's ready to lash out at friends when he's feeling vulnerable and weak. He swallows.]

It's a curse. I hate it.

[ It only took this little to make James hate Keith's dejected expression again. Only so few words of reconciliation for him to fall right back in. Whatever sadistic pleasure he'd felt about Keith being hurt had vanished completely at the realization of what both of them went through. ]

I can't undo the last years. I can't pretend it's been fine, least of all to you. I feel a lot of ugly things. And you're the only one who knows and has to take it. You sure you don't want to run away?

[ James just... can't imagine it will be fun, for either of them, to hear of the years that passed without one another. Guilt, burning jealousy, resentment... He can already feel them coming. But this is still the only way he could ever want anything from Keith at all. There's no way a superficial relationship could be sustainable between them. Not now, maybe not until in decades. ]

[There's a grimace at this, though Keith looks back up at James quickly.]

I'm not doing that to you again, so... yeah. I'm sure. And I'm sure you're not going to be able to talk me out of it.

[ This is like a dream scenario that he wakes up from feeling hollow inside, leaving him moody all day. Only this time it's real, he knows it because he still feels awful. He's tired, his face is only starting to recover from a crying fit, his head hurts.... Every part of him feels shittier than dreams would ever allow for. And in his dreams, he may still have better judgement than in reality, because James finds himself impulsively reaching for Keith to pull him closer. He hasn't done this in so many years, but it still manages to feel faintly familiar. ]

...we're going to regret this.

[ It's mostly a whisper, though a heartfelt one. Every part of this is a terrible idea and he needs to leave now to reconsider it in peace and quiet. Re-find his sanity. Not listen to the part of him that currently is screaming reclaim Keith as if it could somehow make up for every year of absence. He should really not be listening. Keith is a bad influence, this is only re-confirmation. He can't keep doing this. He can't---

James drowns out his own thoughts as he leans in for a kiss. ]

Edited 2019-01-29 02:45 (UTC)

[Defying all odds, Keith wasn't necessarily expecting to be pulled in. He wasn't entirely sure where any of this was going... and maybe in retrospect he should have anticipated this. He'd already drawn the comparison earlier between how he was the day of the memorial service and James in the hangar... so really was there any real reason to question why this was unraveling in much the same way?

We're gonna regret this.

And just like that it's a little like they're both teenage boys again trying so hard to find comfort in each other, despite knowing how stupid it was. And it's all so painfully familiar. The hands pulling him close, the way their faces align, the outline of James' lips...

There's only a second spared for an idle thought on whether or not this also counts as being tasteless, but after that Keith doesn't care. He leans into the kiss, hand reaching up to wind around James' neck to hold him there because he felt a little like he was drowning and this -- despite the wrongness of it -- makes him feel like he can breathe again.

It's been so long since he was physically intimate with anyone. For so many different reasons he hadn't been interested, but perhaps even if there wasn't a brutal war going on, he simply couldn't. Couldn't because every time he even entertained a frivolous thought, his heart would ache wondering what a certain hotshot pilot was up to. Now he knows a little of what happened. There were others... and some ridiculous part of Keith wonders if James kissed them just like this, and he knows, he fucking knows, that he had no claim to the boy, but it doesn't make that fresh cut sting less.

So he should stop. He should pull back and say this is too soon. But he wants to stay close like this just as much. No.More.

He draws back just enough to breathe out a few words.]

I really missed you, James.

[Whisper low, and then he closes the small gap again for another soft kiss.]

[ It feels good in all the wrong ways and Keith's grip on his neck involuntarily makes James smile into the kiss. It's satisfying to feel wanted by the one person who he thought he meant nothing to. Being held in place like this is proof of Keith's words that he can feel on his skin. A stupid purely physical proof that he has no business enjoying as much as he does. In response he wraps his arms tighter around Keith's torso, gripping at the undersuit covering his back.

The words 'I really missed you' send a shiver down his spine now and the kiss that follows after is far too gentle to fit into this night. When they separate again, James stays quiet for a moment, appreciating Keith's face from up close.]

I missed you more than I can ever tell you, you stupid jackass.

Edited 2019-01-29 20:31 (UTC)

[They break apart and the comment makes Keith smile a little. It's going to be a while before words like those come anywhere near close to feeling like light hearted teasing.,, and to a degree, he knows it's not really meant to be. It leaves him unsure how to respond entirely, except to lightly trace the outline of James' jaw with his thumb.]

You really know how to tug at the heartstrings. You want me to kiss you or not.

[ Keith makes an argument for more politeness that is almost compelling. Maybe. ]

Hmm... Mostly I want you to want to kiss me, you know? But fair point.

[ While he speaks he let's his hands travel over Keith's back.]

You really changed a lot...

[The movement of hands on his back leaves his skin tingling beneath the under armor. Keith leans forward, stopping just when their noses brush.]

I dunno. I'd have to be a pretty stupid jackass to want to kiss someone who's calling me a stupid jackass.

[A point made and then immediately undermined by ducking his head to gently nip at James' lower lip.]

Changed in a bad way?

[ James sighs softly at the sneak attack. He hasn't touched anyone intimately since the war began either and now he's surprised by how hard his heart can beat. Though maybe that's not about kissing and more just about Keith. Keith, Keith, Keith. James still feels like he hates him but at the same time he hates the thought of letting go of him again so much more. Maybe James should really do something about overinvestment issues. Or maybe he should just hold on tightly to the lover he thought lost. ]

Physically? No way. Jury is out on your personality so sell me on it.

...heh.

[There's just a small smirk at both the sigh and the flattering commentary, even if it winds up getting backhanded.]

Still not real good at that "winning people over" thing. That was always you.

[Always the perfect. well spoken kid who made people believe he was going places. Keith takes his eyes off of James' mouth briefly establishing eye contact, expression softer before stealing another kiss.]

[ James leans into that kiss and furthers it. Seems like flattery will get you everywhere with me tonight he muses to himself. After all Keith wants to be with him. Still. Every new confirmation is soothing him a bit more. They both suffered from this. Keith suffered. Keith missed him. Mutuality feels amazing on his lips.]

... was it now? Considering where you've already got me again, your winning skills might still be insufferable actually.

[ And he should stop letting himself be won. Now. But hell, there's a war out there and he hasn't felt good in ages, so how much worse can it get by exchanging a few kisses with the person who hurt him most?]

You know you started it. right?

[That's not exact;y a complaint; just a reminder of who started kissing who. But he can't deny that he was in no way expecting James to still want him after all this. Again, far from a complaint, but his most optimistic projection of how trying to apologize would go, it stopped at simply being amiable again. Not this. Not back to whatever the hell this all is.

But now that it's here, Keith can't help wanting to get reacquainted in every way possible. There's no way to go back and undo every mistake from the past and though this isn't quite a correction, it's as close to being with James in the way he wanted to be all those years ago as he can manage. Maybe that's fucked up. But he also doesn't care.

Hand reaching fot the material around James' collar, he pulls him in again for another deeper kiss, heart skipping beats as tongue meets tongue. He can't help sighing just a little at the familiarity of it all.]

[ James follows Keith's lead without complaint, opening his mouth and pressing their bodies against each other with new intensity. It's different now than it was when they started out as teenagers. Back then they had been inexperienced, hesitantly stumbling over the movements but still no less eager for them. Now James has no qualms whatsoever about kissing and he has no reason to hold back with Keith. His grip on the other is possessive and tight, one hand finding its way into Keith's hair,and his kissing is likewise without restraint. Though the past years can never be caught up on, James can claim at least a little of what he missed out on. A piece of Keith that he wishes were his alone, but that's not something James can bring himself to even hope for. But whatever others there may have been, he can try and overwrite them.]

[And as much as he may have initiated deeper kisses, it still takes Keith a few moments to figure out how to do any of this again. Tentative make out sessions that got a little sloppy, a little messy eventually became smoother, easier to delve into, but that was still four years ago. The most he's done with his mouth since that time is use it to bark orders at the paladins and get a pacifier stuck in it courtesy of some ridiculous space asshole, as you do.

But that's not James. James doesn't hesitate right from the get go, kissing with such intensity that it makes Keith's breath hitch. His heart's already starting to race, and as he starts kissing back more determinedly, he wonders if James can tell.

But as lost as he gets in just how incredibly connected they are and in all the places they touch, it's impossible not to feel some bitterness mixed in with the heat of the moment. Again, his mind loops back around to others. Others that James made out with after all that practice he got in with Keith. Others who felt the same kind of swooping rush in their stomachs as James wound his fingers in their hair.

It's so ridiculous that Keith can't stand it. Grip tightening on the other's collar, he stops thinking about what he's doing physically in favor of simply breaking rhythm to nip at James' lip again -- something to force the other to react to him -- and then goes back to kissing a little more heatedly, each movement like an unspoken I want you.\

[ This is going much too far and far too quickly, but James can't bring himself to pay attention to the nagging voice in the back of his head. As long as they're making out and his heart is racing, he doesn't need to think -- and in hindsight it's probably exactly that phenomenon that had driven him and Keith together in the first place, all those years ago. How... romantic. How completely unlike every fantasy about his future love life that young James had ever come up with. Those had involved a lot of fancy dates and a lot of suaveness on his part. They definitely did not contain falling for the bane of his existence and never getting over that, despite all better judgement. For the golden child, known for his success by the rules, James' life has developed excessively far from the guidelines. Maybe James should console his past self with the fact that Keith is arguably the biggest and most influential catch in the universe right now. If only thinking about that wasn't so weird...

Weird, especially when Keith's teeth are insistently tugging at his lip, making him sigh in enjoyment. Keith's body is always honest - whether he's punching, kissing, or rejecting any touch at all, it's always easy to tell that he means it. James is glad to know this hasn't changed and he happily accepts every rough movement and repays it in kind.

Soon enough, he winds up pushing Keith backwards onto the bed (on top of the laid out uniform, which is a pity because it'll crinkle, but ah well). He feels lightheaded, far too warm in the face, lips tingling pleasantly... and god, he should stop now before stopping becomes more awkward. Reluctantly, he separates their lips (messy, far too messy, there's too much saliva here already) and stares down at Keith. Gorgeous. ]

I came here tonight to prove I don't need you, you know that...? You always mess up my plans. Every time, every single one of them...

[ He's whispering, as if loud voices would break the sanctity of their bad choices. ]

[Keith knows better than this. Really, he does. It's not a good idea to be making out with someone that was saying poisonous, spiteful things to him less than an hour ago, He shouldn't be letting the same boy who melted into tears claim his mouth or push him onto his back without putting up any resistance. He shouldn't.

But something about being with James transcends better judgment. James is the only one he'd let in this far, this close, and even though it's been years since they've known each other on that level, falling back into it is simultaneously easy and painful. We used to love each other without knowing it is an unbearable sentiment, and as long as they're connected and kissing, it all seems like something that they can reclaim -- something that can simply be picked up again, like there aren't a million complications with that. It's stupid and wrong, but Keith wraps an arm around James' back holding him down on top of him like it's the only thing in the world that matters.

When they break apart again, he knows there's a faint flush in his cheeks because they feel warm. He knows his lips are a little swollen from those bites that James gave back and that his breathing is erratic, but he holds eye contact. In the past, those words would have made him smirk -- he was so fiercely protective of the fact that he could turn James' world inside out in these small ways that were invisible to the rest of the world. But now... now he sees just how far that's gone, how out of control that all was and it hurts. It hurts to see James seem so defeated by his own willpower.

Keith releases his collar, reaching up higher to gently cradle James' face, whispering back.]

Sorry. I really thought you'd stopped thinking about me. I was going to try and be happy for you.

[ James huffs in faint amusement and gives Keith a lopsided smile. ]

…. the thought is appreciated.

[ Especially the 'try' part, though he won't say that out loud. The knowledge that Keith has been longing for him is still new and exciting and James eats up every bit of evidence of it greedily. ]

I tried it. The forgetting, the being happy... Almost made it, once.

[ With a person who had been kind and patient and wanted the best for him. The opposite of Keith in every possible way. James had been pretty content for a while, in a subtle and not as passionate sense. That relationship had been like softly falling instead of crashing all the way to the bottom in a matter of weeks. And at some point, James found himself haven fallen too far for comfort. And he ran away before anyone could hurt him again the way Keith did. He ran away from his partner like Keith ran from him, only with more common decency. An amiable break-up, all things considered. They stayed in touch until the communications network went down.

James shakes off the memory. It isn't hard to do when Keith is in under him looking so unbelievably intimate, so much like he's his again. ]

Almost. You're hard to forget.

[ He lowers himself further so he doesn't have to look at Keith anymore, instead simply resting on his chest, feeling his breathing against his own. ]

… and I really thought you'd be happy elsewhere, too. Those guys from our class, some alien... I don' know.

[There are an impossible number of things going through his mind as he listens. In lieu of saying anything, Keith bites down on his lip. At first he'd told himself he would feel nothing about the inevitability of James moving on. It didn't matter what Keith wanted, nobody he needed thought he was important enough to stay for. His mom, dad, then his brother -- nobody. His entire childhood had been defined by loss and chaos, and he was sick of grieving, sick of being forced to feel anything for anyone when he knew none of it was destined to last.

The time he spent in the Quantum Abyss had changed a lot of that. Removed from the frontlines of war and left to actively, invasively confront his past, he'd been forced to face just how much everything he'd felt about his inherent worthlessness had bled over into all of his interactions with other people. No sugarcoating, no hiding, no escaping. Two years of nothing but hard lessons and shame and regret and then... there was nothing left to do but to own up to his fuck ups.

James deserved better than what he'd given. James deserved to be with someone who could make him happy. Keith couldn't and wouldn't want anything less than that for him, no matter who it was with. Still, he wraps his arm tighter around the boy's back. He doesn't know why. Or rather, he does, but he doesn't want to give that thought further room to grow.

He breathes out staring at the ceiling. Mercifully James continues and the train of thought is ludicrous enough that Keith actually lets out a huff of a laugh. Him? Be with Hunk? Be with Lance?! God, what the hell.... ]

... you're joking, right? After everything, I didn't want to be with anyone like that again. [A pause. Perhaps that sounded a bit melodramatic.] I mean.. I don't know, it just...didn't feel like I was supposed to.

Edited 2019-01-30 17:31 (UTC)

....oh my god.

[ James murmurs incredulously into Keith's hair. The admission is genuinely shocking. There'd been years here and if their experience was anything to go by, Keith is anything but a physically withdrawn person when it comes to dealing with things - punches or kisses, it hardly seems to matter. So in James' mind there'd been no doubt that Keith would sooner or later latch onto another - especially since the idea of himself having been used and dumped is still so ingrained in his mind.

James lifts his head just enough to be able to look at Keith again. ]

No, you're the one who has to be joking. How you left me was awful, but you've grown up and gotten over yourself, so... Man, there really wasn't anyone?

[The incredulity has him starting to feel an annoying degree of self consciousness. Keith looks away.]

Look. There was a lot going on, alright?

[Not to mention he spent half that time he was away drifting on the back of a space whale with just his mom for company. There's a sigh.]

So no. Nobody. Just you.

Edited 2019-01-30 18:08 (UTC)

[ James knows this shouldn't make him happy, but it does. It also shouldn't make him feel guilty for his past relationships, but it does that as well. It's a very irritating mix of emotions. ]

I see.

[ He gives Keith a quick kiss, the very satisfying knowledge that those lips are his sitting triumphantly in his mind. ]

Lack of practice certainly hasn't made you worse at this, I have to say.

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